Tam Cowan: "a 3-hour look ahead to 5 seconds of exhilaration? That’s now not a video game – that’s Viagra"

in accordance with reviews, we’ve all been enjoying greater board games in lockdown.

now not in my condo we’ve no longer.

I’ve at all times hated board video games â€" I prefer to name them BORED games â€" and that i can’t remember why anyone would dig out snakes and ladders from the loft when there’s a wonderfully respectable tv set in the nook of the living room.

"Bored" online game Cluedo in line with Tam (image: PA) read more connected Articles examine extra linked Articles

considered one of my mates used to invite us circular to his house to play Scrabble but I made my excuses as i will be able to guarantee you that is not my conception of an evening on the tiles.

Be honest, individuals, Scrabble is simply REMOTELY interesting if you happen to rip up the rulebook and take the “filthy words best” strategy.

Don’t ask my Kirkcaldy correspondent Wee Jimmy about Scrabble.

a number of years in the past, his dog swallowed a handful of letters â€" B, O, R, U, E, L and T. as the concerned vet stated: “This may spell challenge…”

but when you believe Scrabble is dull, what about Monopoly?

Do you think any person â€" and that i suggest this most basically â€" has ever definitely complete a online game of Monopoly?

You always delivery with the best of intentions. but 10 minutes later, the complete contents are scooped returned into the field in case you recognise no person is aware of the suggestions.

If memory serves, this principally tedious board online game best became entertaining just a few years ago when a gang used Monopoly funds to trick jewellery dealers right into a multi-million pound rip-off and â€" surprise, surprise â€" they have been despatched without delay to jail.

however it wasn’t all unhealthy news. The ringleader received 2nd prize in a attractiveness contest and gathered £10.

Bono remains game (image: AFP by means of Getty photos)

(Have any U2 fans tried Bonopoly? It’s like Monopoly but the streets haven't any name…)

a further honking board video game? Cluedo! Sorry, but if it’s a racy, murder mystery you need, simply put the tv on, put your toes up and revel in an ancient repeat of Columbo as an alternative.

The standard online game of Cluedo lasts longer than a lifestyles sentence.

When my spouse’s cousin insisted on whipping it out on the Christmas dinner table a few years ago, I automatically idea the assassin turned into going to be Mr Cowan â€" within the lounge, with an empty wine bottle.

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yet another classic â€" Mousetrap â€" become a hundred times greater pleasing in the tv advertisements than it was definitely, which grew to become out to be the case for a lot of board video games. And, also like lots of board video games, it took a while to set it up. a three-hour wait for five seconds of excitement? That’s not a video game â€" that’s Viagra.

Hungry Hippo is additionally lethal dull (unless, of path, you play the human edition with a big box of Maltesers).

And don’t even consult with me about Operation, as I’m still emotionally scarred.

I requested Santa Claus for Operation when i used to be eight and he left a observe announcing there become a three-month waiting listing…

PS â€" I’ve made it clear that I hate board games but I salute the Cocker spaniel in Aberdeen that’s discovered to play its owner at connect 4!

We’ve all heard of the dog that performed poker â€" lost a fortune because it saved wagging its tail whenever it had a very good hand â€" but this is surprising.

The cleverest pet pooch ever?

Nah, which you can’t beat the story about the man who walks right into a pub and sees a bloke taking part in CHESS with his dog.

“Wow!” he says. “That have to be the best dog in the world!”

“now not at all,” says the dog, “I’m losing three-1…”

Take That Motherwell Motherwell FC boss Graham Alexander (photograph: SNS neighborhood)

I should confess I’m very resentful of the brand new Motherwell boss Graham Alexander.

no longer as a result of he’s the supervisor of my time-honored soccer team.

not as a result of he gained 40 caps playing for Scotland.

and not because he bears an uncanny resemblance to former Take That pin-up Howard Donald.

Nope, it’s as a result of he sits in the stand a week gazing the mighty smartly!

That’s two red cards in three games for the Fir Park boss and, yep, I do consider exceedingly jealous once I see him parking his bum.

Tam along with his cardboard cut-out used in the Motherwell stands (photo: each day checklist)

It’s nearly a yr seeing that fans had been locked out of soccer and it’s starting to pressure me nuts.

in the supermarket this week, I noticed some jars of Bovril next to the espresso and i pretty much broke down in tears.

I’ve nevertheless had a presence at Fir Park this season â€" i was some of the Motherwell lovers who paid £20 for a personal cardboard cut-out ultimate summer season and it sits in the back of the dreams within the Cooper Stand.

four times this season it’s walked out with half an hour nevertheless to move.

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PS The Betfred Cup final between St Johnstone and Livingston wasn’t a classic but, based simply on the build-up, i believed Saints deserved to colour it.

Yep, Livi boss David Martindale’s line about getting dressed up for the final â€" “I’ve simplest worn a suit twice in my life, the day i used to be despatched to prison and my wedding day… don’t question me which was worse!” â€" turned into a cracker.

St Johnstone received an additional cup (picture: each day checklist)

however with enthusiasts locked out of the Hampden showpiece, I completely loved St Johnstone’s memento mugs emblazoned with the legend: “I wasn’t there!”

neatly accomplished, Saints.

Midge mauling in save

With enamel like piranhas they pressure you bananas…

A line from an historical Kenneth McKellar song â€" and he wasn’t talking concerning the Bee Gees.

Nope, he intended The Midges and â€" dangerous information, folks â€" because of a decrease level of pollutants all over the pandemic, we’re set for a breeding growth this summer.

And specialists reckon there were 139 BILLION midges within the Highlands & Islands final year! every tiny midge can chew just like the love-baby of Mike Tyson and Esther Rantzen and, sadly, in the phrases of McKellar’s incredible little ditty: “If ye be able to kill yin, a different half million are able to come to the wake…”

With Scottish staycations the only true holiday alternative this summer season, that’s precisely what I’m going to do.

stay in Scotland â€" in the hoose.

you might be having a giraffe

right here's something to seem to be ahead to after lockdown â€" giraffes are returning to Edinburgh Zoo for the first time in 15 years.

It’s a part of a plan to breed the species and that i present my most suitable desires after the bother that they had with the pandas.

To get the new arrivals within the temper, what about permitting them to watch the saucy giraffe movie Deep Throat?

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In different animal news, Monday become hailed as Mountain Hare Day because it’s now unlawful in Scotland to kill, injure or take these wild creatures devoid of licence.

That’s top notch information.

I nevertheless get upset after I consider of the time a few years in the past I went out rabbit capturing.

virtually as upset because the proprietor of the pet store…

PS To a farm in Devon, where a horse that became stuck the other way up in a ditch become pulled out by means of hand through half a dozen fireplace crew.

dangle on â€" six of them? That’s 4 legs, a tail and…!!!

The vet reckons it’ll now take a month to get the smile off the horse’s face…

My fave humorous photographs of the week

Telling your suitcase there’s no summer season break this yr is difficult â€" discuss emotional baggage?

unhappy suitcase (photograph: every day list)

Can’t look forward to that big evening out once more...

a different variety of water bed (photograph: every day checklist)

Have I been consuming too plenty all through lockdown or is that Scooby Doo in my beer?

can you see it? (photograph: daily checklist)

Did you put on an elastic twine facemask in 2020 and 2021? You may well be entitled to compensation.

Tam's as much as monkey business (photograph: each day listing)

if you go away the television on on your dogâ€"on a news channel â€" and are available home 4 hours later.

PPE may also be ruff (image: every day checklist) textual content jokes of the week

● by accident added Matt Hancock as a pal on facebook and, what did you know, I’ve just been awarded three govt contracts.

● Butlins is promising its gold standard year of entertainment yet. It ought to be staying closed.

● No count how unhealthy your lifestyles is at the moment, just be aware… there are americans on the planet concerned concerning the gender of Mr Potato Head.

present queen of the small screen Keeley Hawes (photo: Getty pictures)

Actress Keeley Hawes is supposedly Britain’s most in-demand superstar as she’s been on eighty four hours of telly â€" so far â€" in 2021.

I’ve bought another contender.

definitely, I referred to as the television repairman ultimate night after flicking via each channel and not seeing Romesh Ranganathan.

In different showbiz information, Iceland are eleven-2 favourites for this yr’s Eurovision tune Contest, whereas the uk are three-1 photographs to conclude final.

i assumed the influence of ultimate year’s contest was spot on. It become cancelled because of Covid.

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yet another few questions for Professor Jason Leitch from the boys on my WhatsApp group:

● Is the Brazilian variant going to have a long lifespan or will it be a case of hair nowadays, gone day after today?

● My fiancee and i reside separately and we’ve followed all the coronavirus rules. She now says she’s pregnant â€" should I be suspicious?

● My wife’s been away journeying her mum and he or she’s due domestic today. Do you â€" or any of your scientific colleagues â€" comprehend how to delete the reminiscence on a memory foam mattress?

PS My massive pal Joe changed into admitted to sanatorium thanks to his culinary abilities. What he concept become an onion was definitely a daffodil bulb. The doctor says he should still be out some time within the spring.

and eventually...

considering the fact that the delivery of lockdown, a third of adults is showing symptoms of smartphone dependancy â€" losing control over how lengthy they spend on the mobile, distress when they could’t entry it and neglecting more significant ingredients of existence.

in my view, I dont... oops, sorry, must sprint, someone’s sent me a textual content message.